Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
This house was built for laser tag.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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