I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
