Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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