When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
