mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
