No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
