my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
