bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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