my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
