I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
