I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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