ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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