Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
