you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
