he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
