You're so nebulous sometimes
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
