She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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