On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
This baby is an asshole
you are never too drunk for berry picking
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
wow bdsm is so cute
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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