a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
