Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
