I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
