Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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