He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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