I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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