When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
