I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
