Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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