I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
