Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
