Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
this boner is exhausting
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
