I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
