I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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