if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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