She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
