i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
