I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
