i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
