my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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