is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
