First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
