just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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