8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
