Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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