I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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