Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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