I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
