apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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