Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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