Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
