32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
