I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
