You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
