Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
