everyone is single if you try hard enough
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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