I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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