I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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