So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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