1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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