It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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