i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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