everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
