The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
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IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house