4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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