how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.