Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
