how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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